I haven’t posted in a bit.
I could tell you it was because I got married. Because I switched my site from Blogger to WordPress. Because I’ve been working on my business, writing thank you notes, reveling in married life, working on my courses, coaching my clients.
But honestly, for some reason, I was afraid to post. I was afraid to write. I wrote posts and deleted them. I made a video and was too afraid to share it.
I didn’t want to be seen. I wanted to crawl into a hole. I didn’t want to share, or be vulnerable or brave. I keep realizing that there is more and more to forgive, more to let go, more of Carly to release. Because it’s only my small self that doesn’t want to share shifts. It’s only my small self who says I have to be perfect to show my face in the world.
Awakening, personal development, self-discovery—call it what you will—is all about dropping this small self (the collection of beliefs that say I can’t do this, I’m all alone, It’s their fault, not mine, etc.).
I’ve experienced this in my own life, and the letting go process can seem really difficult. In ACIM’s Development of Trust in the Manual for Teachers, it says this process can appear painful because it can seem like things are being taken away. This created a LOT of fear in me. Will my family be taken? My husband? My job? I’ve since found that it is a WHOLE lot gentler than that. As ACIM says, nothing’s being taken away, you’re just seeing the lack of value in those things or beliefs that are falling away.
I recently watched a Game of Thrones episode (gah! I’m obsessed!) that illustrated this letting go process for me and helped me see it differently.
In the fifth season, Arya Stark wants to become a Faceless Man [a person who can shape shift into other people]. Another female trainee comes into her room and asks her who she is. Arya answers “No one” [seemingly the standard answer for a Faceless Man], and the girl hits her. The girl asks her two more times, Arya saying “No one” and the girl hitting her.
Jaqen H’ghar comes into the room and says that Arya is not ready for this. Arya insists that she is, that she’s ready to be a Faceless Man, that she’s ready for something, anything. Jaqen looks at her and says it is funny how “no one” is surrounded by Arya Stark’s clothes, sword, money, possessions.
In the next scene, Arya throws her possessions into the sea (except for Needle, her sword, which she hides in a pile of rocks).
In order to be able to shift into our true identity, we have to be able to release our small, false identity. If Arya wants to become “no one” (which we could argue is what ACIM and all awakening is about), she must let go of Arya Stark, which is symbolized by her possessions. Letting go of her possessions is painful for Arya; she literally can’t throw Needle into the sea. But seen correctly, Arya is simply releasing that which no longer serves her. It no longer serves her to be Arya Stark, with Arya’s ideas of what she has, who she is, what she can or cannot do. These old ideas about herself are like a lens she’s put on her vision. It limits what she thinks she can and cannot do. It will better serve her to let go of her possessions and become “no one,” because this releases her of her old limits. She can become something new.
That was so helpful to me—to recognize that the things that are undone in my process of awakening aren’t “taken away.” Whether they are physical things or beliefs, they fall away because they simply do not serve me anymore. They are narrowing my view on what I can and cannot do, on my personal power, on my potential. Releasing them allows me to step forward into my True Self so I can begin becoming someone new. Someone with endless possibilities. Someone who goes through life with ease and celebration. Someone who is guided and taken care of in every way.
But to get to that place, I must trust my Higher Self, Spirit, God (whatever you want to call it) that these changes are helpful. That these changes will take me where I want to go. Arya trusted Jaqen and got rid of her possessions. We must begin to trust our Higher Self and believe that any changes we encounter are helpful. We must trust that these changes will take us where we want to go.
Just like I must trust that I will be safe if I show up. I will be safe if I share, if I write, if I make videos, if I am vulnerable. I must trust that this change, this accepting that I will show up for myself and others in this world, is helpful. That it will not bring me pain, but joy. That it will help me step into my true power.
What are you holding on to that is keeping you from your true power?