Recently I was feeling really down about my life. I was experiencing a deep panic about what I’m doing, who I am, and what my purpose is.
As I entered this deep panic, this thought entered my mind: I haven’t healed anything. All my issues—my self-hatred, my body image, my fears, my concern with what other people think—all those things are STILL IN MY MIND! I didn’t actually heal anything! Here I am, thinking I’m moving forward and getting happier, when really it was all a lie. I am a big faker!
So I just sort of lived in that space for a day or two. I just felt down, and let myself panic and feel terrible.
Then, I decided to fold some laundry. I hate folding socks, and they’d been sitting in a basket for a week on my floor. I sat down on the floor and began finding matches. As I did this, I heard a voice:
“It takes something.”
I stopped folding and heard it again:
“It takes something to choose peace in the face of these feelings; in the face of what seems like cause for depression and fear.”
And I got it. Even with what felt like the depths of despair, I could choose peace. I could dismiss these thoughts as illusions!
I smiled, and realized that my teacher, Maria Felipe, says this often. She says it takes something to look at your fears, to unearth them and let Holy Spirit heal them.
This is what I could do with the belief that I hadn’t really moved forward; with the belief that I was still experiencing self-hatred, body image issues, fear, worries about what other people think. Because those ideas are all ego. They’re all just distractions trying to pull me away from God and back towards the ego.
It is only taking ego seriously that gives it power over us. As soon as I believed those thoughts that I hadn’t really healed, that I still hated myself and thought I was fat and guilty and a loser, I became powerless. I gave the ego all my power, and decided that I could never have the power to heal and change my life.
That one sentence—”It takes something”—jolted me back. It reminded me that I DO have the power. I have the power to plug into my willingness and my courage and choose peace. This denies illusion and its ability to affect me. Because, in Truth, nothing can affect me except God. And God’s Will for me is perfect happiness, so all that hatred and sadness and crap…that can’t affect me. Period. 🙂
P.S. Looking back on this experience, I realized that folding laundry was a symbol! I had the willingness to start organizing the socks and finding their matches. This is a symbol of me finding my True match: peace instead of fear. So I was just a mismatched sock for a little bit, with a partner (fear) who was not working for me. Holy Spirit helped me find my peace, my true match again.