A couple of days ago, I was feeling very down. I had a bad day and let it carry me into stories–I don’t have enough time, enough money, enough energy. I’m scared for the future, for my job, for my husband’s job, and on and on. This is when things begin to feel pointless, futile, and scary. I fell into this idea of myself as small, powerless, and isolated.
But through the fog, it hit me.
The reason I was so upset was because I was believing in my perceptions.
I believed that what I was perceiving was real, and that it defined me. I was weak, insecure, insignificant, powerless. This was obviously really painful!
One of the reasons I was feeling down was because I made a mistake at work. I saw myself as bad and I let it define me. I now saw myself as an employee who makes mistakes. I didn’t want to be that, so I need to prove that I am still a good employee–that I can do my work and NOT make mistakes.
My ego is saying that I am upset because that I made this mistake.
Really, I was upset because this mistakes seems to prove to me that I am separate from God. I am small and vulnerable. I need to fear the world around me because things outside of me can take things away from me, e.g. I could lose my job for making a mistake, and then I would have no money, and then I would lose my house, etc.
I halted this process when I remember that my perceptions of this mistake as damning are not real. THE MISTAKE IS NOT REAL. My identity as “someone who makes mistakes” is not real. I do not need to invest in what’s appearing outside of me, because I realize that it is resulting from me, from my inner conflict of feeling separate from God.
Then I can look at the mistake with Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit uses the mistake as a stepping stone to help me remember that I am not upset for the reason I think. I am upset because I think I’m separate from God, but SURPRISE–I could never actually separate from God anyway, so it’s ALL GOOD!
Here’s a prayer that can be used to remember that you are never upset for the reason you think: