Mistakes are one of my major ego hooks. It’s hard for me to brush something off. I’ve been taught to take responsibility, and a lot of times “taking responsibility” means beating myself up.
I made a mistake at work recently that made me feel as if I was the worst person in the world. I told myself that I didn’t deserve my job, that I was unworthy. The mistakes were proof!
I began to feel like complete crap. I forgot all my lovely tools; all the things I’m working towards remembering and using on a daily basis. I felt totally alone.
I thought, “How can I get rid of this?”
This made me laugh, because I realized that this was the original question we asked. When we believed we separated from God and felt the guilt of separating from Him, we thought, how can I get rid of this icky, awful feeling?
By believing this, I am hiding from God.
I’m hiding underneath the idea that I made a mistake. When I dig, I see that under that idea is the belief that I am bad, that I am powerless, and that I will never reach God because I’m so bad.
I realized that when I’m edging God out, there’s only one thing to do: STOP HIDING.
|Photo credit: ArTeTeTrA / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND|
Hiding doesn’t work–I’m just sitting in the dark, stewing in my anger, fear, and helplessness.
What does work is inviting Holy Spirit to look at whatever it is I’m using to keep me separate from God, which in this instance is that I made a mistake and am the worst person in the world.
And honestly, part of me doesn’t want to look at this. I don’t want to think about how I made that mistake. I don’t want to think about what a bad person I think I am. I’m worried that it may be true.
But Jesus guided me to this quote:
“Take off the covers and look at what you are afraid of. Only the anticipation will frighten you, for the reality of nothingness cannot be frightening. Let us not delay this, for your dream of hatred will not leave you without help, and Help is here. Learn to be quiet in the midst of turmoil, for quietness is the end of strife and this is the journey to peace. Look straight at every image that rises to delay you, for the goal is inevitable because it is eternal. The goal of love is but your right, and it belongs to you despite your dreams.” T-12.II.5
The truth is that I did the best I could in that moment. I am not bad, just mistaken. And the sooner I look at this with Holy Spirit, the sooner I can stop edging God out of my life, the sooner I can experience miracles.