I wanted to share an experience I had recently when I was so angry with someone in my life. I felt like our relationship was changed because of an interaction we had. I felt like there was no going back. I wrote in my journal the morning after the interaction that my anger felt “complete.”
As I walked into work the next morning, I got a visual image of my anger: a dark red circle. A pie chart, 100% full. There was no room for anything else; not even a sliver—not even .00001%— of something different.
Now, I am usually the type of spiritual/self-help-obsessed nutbag to try to change how I feel right away. I try to paper over my uncomfortable feelings with books and teachers and Youtube videos. This time, I didn’t. I just felt like crap. I let myself just feel like crap all day.
I am also the type of person to quote parts of ACIM at myself and make myself feel guilty. My ego and I love to use Course quotes to make me feel guilty.
“Anger is never justified.” T-30.VI.1:1
“Every time you feel a stab of anger, realize you hold a sword above your head.” W-192.9:4
“Anger but screeches, ‘Guilt is real!'” M-18.3:1
I am learning how to distinguish this and how not to beat myself up. In this instance, I did not quote ACIM at myself and feel like a failure.
I just let the circle be at 100%.
Later that night, I spoke with this person again. Before we spoke, I happened to read a line from the Pathways of Light course I’m currently doing that I adapted into a prayer.
“Holy Spirit, help me step up the ladder of prayer by seeing the true motivation behind every projection of guilt or wrong doing—REINFORCING SEPARATION!”
I still didn’t want to let in a sliver of something else. I still felt angry. But that line—reading those words—unconsciously let in a small sliver of willingness. When we spoke, the doors of my heart flew open. We spoke honestly, and I felt deeply touched. It wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to hear. It wasn’t that I “got what I wanted.”
I just knew that it was a miracle.
What was so exciting about this was the recognition that I didn’t have to do anything. I was able to let my anger be at 100%. I was able to not worry about how I was going to fix how I felt or even the situation between us. I didn’t have to run out and find the perfect books and words to cover up my feelings.
And I didn’t rediscover my willingness because of anything I did. I didn’t open up to forgiveness because I made myself guilty, sinful, and bad.
The whole process was deliciously abstract, which is how I’ve found lately that Spirit likes to work with me. I find myself completely clueless, and then things unravel and come forward. And sometimes they don’t come forward in the world of form, but I feel the shift inside of me.
And I found such joy when I remembered that inner shift IS the miracle! That is what Spirit is really guiding me toward—the shift inside. It gives me such a sense of hope and joy, because I don’t have to worry about how things look. I don’t have to focus on the outer so heavily. I can lean on Spirit and look within. There is such a feeling of rest for me when I recognize that and realize I can just let my process be what it is.
I encourage you to allow your process to be what it is. Don’t paper over your feelings with books, or with this article. Be willing to just feel like crap. Your miracle is coming!!