Am I Doing This Alone?

So I was going to write a totally different post this week, about how we shouldn’t take everything so seriously. But I realized that I have been taking things super seriously. I have been totally lost in the weeds of my ego, of my worries. Because, guess what? This life, these worries…they still feel really real to me.

I’m doing a course through Pathways of Light titled Remember to Choose Peace. I couldn’t be doing it at a better time, as right now it seems like I can do anything but choose peace.

Choosing peace means letting go of all these small things—deadlines, to-do lists, worries about weight (yes, even with my powerful declaration on Kind Over Matter that my body and my upper arms are perfect, this worry came back full force this weekend. #iamhuman), spending money on the wedding. And letting go seems hard because when I do that, I’m telling the ego (the small self) that I recognize that these worries are an illusion.

Recognizing that these worries aren’t real and that I don’t have to choose them is hard because the ego—who I still identify with most of the time—loves these worries. They’re its safety devices. Did you ever notice how once you start worrying about one thing, you begin to worry about everything in your life? Worry after worry pops up in the mind until they crowd you in. This happens because the ego doesn’t want you to realize that you have a choice for peace, to see your life differently.

This was what was happening to me. I felt completely blocked in. And yet, I was trying to cover up all these worries and anxieties by forcing myself to choose peace. I was putting on a brave face, and shoving my feelings down, which NEVER helps, but really only makes things worse. I basically didn’t want to feel my feelings. I didn’t want to experience anxiety.

I asked my gorgeous facilitator Maria for help on this. How can I deal with feelings?? How should I proceed, especially when I’m doing a course about choosing peace?! Should I still feel my feelings, or if I should just try to stay committed to choosing peace only? And she told me something that blew my mind:

You’re only resistant to feeling your feelings when you believe you’re doing it alone. When you’re looking with the Holy Spirit, there’s no fear or resistance to being honest about what you’re feeling. You can look with Spirit at the feelings and accept a miracle instead. That’s choosing peace. It’s simple. 

Boom. I realized in that moment that Spirit is stronger than my feelings of fear, that Spirit can handle it if I experience doubt and worry. I don’t have to be afraid that experiencing sadness or anger or anxiety means that A Course in Miracles doesn’t work, or that Spirit isn’t real.
Letting this stuff—my worries about weight, spending money, my deadlines, my to-do lists—come up is truly the process of A Course in Miracles. It says that it’s not here to teach us love, but how to remove our blocks to love. So that means letting the blocks come up and be seen. It means feeling those feelings of worry or hurt or anxiety. It means letting those scary feelings come up, inviting Spirit in, and accepting the undoing of those feelings, of the belief that I am small and alone. In that undoing, I allow Love to replace fear.
As I go through this week, I am committing to a practice of asking myself, when I feel the fear of feeling my feelings, when I feel the fear of facing my anxiety, “Am I doing this alone? I know if fear comes up around feeling my feelings that I believe I am doing this alone. I choose again in this moment to join with Spirit, and accept the miracle—the undoing of this fear. I choose peace.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *